We’re Normal Friends — August is the scavenger of our group. She breaks into homes and stores finding Klondike Bars for dinner and Klonopin for dessert. Adam found her last year when she was dumpster diving for food, and she was the first friend Adam ever had. She also collects bodies throughout the week in…

Children are the worst — If I was a single mother with no kids, I’d flirt with men with money. They would console me as I ramble on about the difficulty of motherhood. How my eldest won’t stop spitting in his classmate's eyes. How my four-year-old daughter won’t stop screaming about how her vitality is being “dragged…

This guy was the worst — Payton Burdette, 26, Xenia, OH. Finally went to be with the Lord on April 2, 2030. He was born on April 4, 2003, in Kettering, Ohio. He barely graduated from Sinclair Community College with a degree in Business. No woman was desperate enough to marry him. …

I’m glad they weren’t deleted —

A Daily Occurrence —

is there any hope —

But I keep using it — Laying in bed feeling half-dead I’m a knucklehead so I’ll get on Twitter. What a bad idea worse than gonorrhea a crap app, diarrhea I’m feeling bitter. Too many opinions from insane minions “I hate Virginians” says the babysitter. It’s good for connections bad for corrections filled with projections it’s verbal litter…

I don’t care who you are — Why did you touch my slick new hairdo? I can’t believe this I’m going to sue! You think that I lie? How dare you mock! I’ll send my lawyers a legal flock. The date is set I’ll see you next week where I’ll crush your soul and make you squeak. …

Now give us $500,000 — I know the last twelve hours have been painful and exhausting, but you did it! Your beautiful baby boy is safe and healthy. He’s so precious. Soak it in, this is as good as life gets. Now that you’ve soaked it in, I should inform you that you owe us…